Monday, October 7, 2013

A Conversation With Ones' Self #1

So I'm stressed. And what do I do when I'm stressed?
If you are thinking "eat" then you are only half right...
I also talk to myself.

I tend to have long drawn out conversations with myself in order to make sense of, analyze, and come to terms (accept) what ever stressful situation I find myself in.

So tell me why on the day of my "beginning" a stressful event must take place? Its like a taunt from fate, "Haha on the very day of abstaining from food we'll make you desire to eat the most!"


So lets just say I am responsible for an  $800 TV getting broke and 5 minutes later I'm faced with a bowl of the most colorful and sweet smelling fruity pebbles I ever did see, accompanied by a cart of ice cold milk... Why now?!

But hey, I knew this journey wouldn't be easy when I began it, so I'm just gonna be real with myself. I want that cereal. I can't have that cereal, cause I am a warrior. So now I'll just chant that I am a warrior and go beat up some people on a video game! #YeahBuddy!

And afterwards I'm going to hold a conversation with myself on how to fix a warp drive reactor for my starship,because it somehow related to a broken TV.


Isn't fun to describe oneself?

Who am I?

-I am a girl. Or a woman. Or maybe both, if thats possible. I am a young woman who lives like a girl (or how the society I live in thinks a girl lives like) . There you go.

-I am overweight. Understatement. Lets be honest. I am obese. 5'5 and 230lbs. What is sad is that the clothes I wore 2 months ago don't fit anymore. So 30 of the 200lbs is relatively new. I have been on a severe binge for no conscious reason. It must be a reason I am unwilling to face at this moment in time for only a reason my subconscous knows.

-I believe I will be the greatest chef there ever was and there ever will be... Although to some people, I am far from that goal. I have a real passion for food. I love to cook like a top chef; creating food for arts sake! I do consider myself an artist. I also consider myself a food addict (one who has an unhealthy attachement to food). As I admitted before, I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am happy, depressed, agitated (or angry), and worried. I hope to change this.

-My personal features: I have/had jet black hair (dyed), which is now transitioning to sable brown hair. I am thinking about keeping the two tones, letting my ends be "dipped" in black for some special effects... My hair is kinky coily in about 9 inches. Google is your friend. I have dark brown skin.

- I am 21 years old. wOOt! Unfortunately I get no more friday night drinks until I find myself at the end of the fasting road.

-I am a scholar! Or I at least consider myself one. I am a senior at a certain unversity who is studying ecology ot environmental biology. More on this will come later. Although this is my chosen major, I am interested in studying genetics and the mechanisms of DNA.

-What am I (Who I precieve myself to be)? I am a writer! I am a chef! I am an artist. I am a movie director! #CreativeLife

What do I love? Science fiction, romance, everthing Japanese, traveling,  and food and more food.


age quod agis: Latin.
Meaning translate: Do what you are doing.
 My translate: Complete yourself.

So today is the beginning and the end. Of what?
How I feel about this (anything and everything that comprises the meaning of the beginning and the end and how it relates to me) is so unexplainable, that I can't form even the founding mental images to perceive the concept onto myself. That statement may or may not be imaginary. Huh? I don't know what I'm saying but maybe my subconscious does. Lets just talk about what is happening right now, in this very moment.

1) I am distracted.
2) I am uncomfortable.
3) I am uncertain.

Distractions as listed:
Its 1:30 pm. Its uncannily dark and extremely windy outside and the weather forecast predicted a sunny, 80 degree day.
I have genetics homework that's due in the very near future.
I may or may not have to go to a meeting at 2:00.
I am naturally procrastinatic and seemingly (to other people) lazy person who lacks major motivation for the tasks at hand... At least I'm not in denial.

 Now be aware, I often make up words to express myself in various sentences and you will see a lot of this.

Uncomfortability comes not from the distractions as listed, but the fact that I am water fasting and I am an emotional eater. Leaving the denial of emotional eating behind has allowed me to make this decision to test myself. I keep thinking about all the food I ever wanted and I ever had all in a series of flashes that come and go as I sip on this crisp, fresh water.

I am uncertain if I will reach the goals and hopes I set for myself. I am truly uncertain.

So today begins my journey of fasting, however long or short it may be. And, also an end to the denial of emotional eating.